Chapter XIX (Shows That Virtue Is Much More A Matter Of Victuals Than Is Commonly Imaginedd) (Shows That Virtue Is Much More A Matter Of Victuals Than Is Commonly Imaginedd). Shows That Virtue Is Much More A Matter Of Victuals Than Is Commonly Imagined. - How The Reverend Doctor Immaculate Barkworst Went Out To Save Sinners. - Some Kinds Of Virtue More Vicious Than Vice.

Shows That Virtue Is Much More A Matter Of Victual 47

IN process of time it was noised abroad that there existed in Canisville a a crowd of dissolute dogs, who, on the sly and in dark holes and corners of the town, smeared themselves all over with filth at night, and danced before other dirty dogs; which other dirty dogs would reward the dirty dancers with a few

So the dancing dogs were able to live - which, the dancing dogs said, was the main thing in life; whereas as for Virtue, there was no wealth in it; they could get along very nicely without Virtue, but they must have Victuals. They said they had gone to every market and tried to exchange their Labor for something to eat, and all the fleas and all the salaried barkers, and even the missionary dogs, had laughed at them and uttered some jargon about the Labor Market being

Glutted, which some dogs, well educated in foreign languages, had translated unto them to mean, that a very great deal of Labor would buy only a very little bone with a very little meat on it, and that all skin and gristle. They had tried to find a place at the Handle of the fleas' Blood and Bones Grindery, but had with difficulty escaped being thrown into the hopper. And having nothing but Virtue to sell for Victuals they had sold that; and, strange as it might appear, that fetched a far better price than honest toil. So, if in the market Labor was held in such contempt, they did not see that they were bound to hold it in reverence, and if Society made it easier for poor dogs to be wicked than virtuous, that was Society's look-out, not theirs.

So the dirty dogs lived with less discomfort than honest and virtuous dogs - that is, than those who passed for honest and virtuous; for there were multitudes of respected dogs that passed by daylight as good and proper dogs, that sneaked away at midnight to the haunts of the filthy dogs, to see them dance. And there were to be found there, too, very many of the most highly respected members of the Church of the Pleas, who took pleasure in the dances of the filthy dogs and paid good prices for admission thereto, who wouldn't have had the fact known for the world.

Now, certain zealous members of the Church of the Fleas, who were gifted with very long and sharp noses, which they were eternally poking into business not their own, got to know of the existence and occupation of the filthy dogs; and they were greatly scandalized thereby; for these dogs were not only vile and depraved - which was bad - but were escaping the tribute all dogs were divinely appointed to pay to the support of the fleas - which was worse. Therefore, for these two reasons, were they determined to break up their business and drive them • forth to earn their living by what they called honest toil, that is, by grinding and fainting at the Handle of the Blood and Bones Grindery, These good suckers were awfully "concerned for the spiritual welfare" of these had dogs - that is, they were awfully afraid they were going to Hell the wrong way; and they were determined to drive them into the right way. So they called upon the police dogs to suppress them, to drive them into the highways and make them "move on." But they could not tell the police where they were to "move on" to; and the police didn't know, and the comfortable dogs didn't worry, and the rich fleas didn't care, and everybody else said it was none of his business; and so everything was in a muddle, and nothing much was done, save that occasionally one of the dirty dogs got hit on the head.

But in process of time there arose a mighty dog of a prophet that got exceeding much meat and a great deal of soft comfort for ministering in one of the churches of the fleas. He was the Very Reverend Doctor Immaculate Bark worst, and he had a very much swollen head, with a bump of self-conceit upon it that stood up like a pinnacle. And he preached thus unto the sleek fleas:

"Brethren, ye know of this scandal of the filthy dogs in our midst, how it is corrupting our youth and deteriorating the quality of the honest dogs that labor; so that Labor - the noblest, the most sacred and God-blest occupation that dogs can be called unto, and which fleas are divinely not called unto - will fall into contempt, and the revenues of the fleas - your revenues, my dearly "beloved masters - will begin to diminish.

"Oh, my dear masters! The strength and safety of our country lie in keeping our dogs virtuous and industrious, and cultivating within them the love of the sacred and healthily Stimulating amusements of singing psalms and muttering credos.

" But, my brethren and beloved masters, it is well-known that these scandalous dogs do mock at honest toil fend Virtue, and have irreligiously set up Victuals as the great object of life; and have, moreover, blasphemously said that the only difference between us, the salaried barkers, and them, is the difference in Victuals - thus libellously and contumeliously insinuating that we do not love Virtue more than Victuals.

"Now, my dear masters, this evil must be driven out at any-cost. We have laws to drive them out. We have every kind of driving out, moving on, and sin suppressing society to put them down. Why are they not driven out therefore? Because the police dogs are vile and corrupt, and "stand in" with the filthy dogs. I denounce these police dogs, and declare that we will drive out the filthy dogs, if they won't."