Chapter XXXI (Unqualified Triumph Of Bunkum, Statistics And Averages) (Unqualified Triumph Of Bunkum, Statistics And Averages). Unqualified Triumph Of Bunkum, Statistics And Averages. - Everything And Everybody "All Bight." - Thin And Hungry Honest Labor Testifies - His Head Swells. - Shows That A Great Deal Of Rich Patriotism Can Be Raised On A Very Small Amount Of Poor Victuals.

Unqualified Triumph Of Bunkum Statistics And Avera 71

WILHELM Bunkum Mak Tin-ley's oration made a profound impression. Upon the assembled fleas there fell a peace as of an undisturbed sea, a sweet last, all danger from dog-thinking was safely over. The Bamboozling Committee beamed and winked at each other in silent ecstasy. And as for the dogs, nothing like their satisfaction ever was before seen. Mat Tinley's magnificent effort had done the job. There was in it an array of facts and figures that carried conviction home to their hearts and consciences. Poetry, imagery and gush the others had given - which was all very delightful - but he had risen to the needs of the times. They were hungry and wasted, and he had opened the granary of his brilliant imagination, and had poured out upon them some real, genuine, solid, substantial, and stomach filling Statistics and Averages, that put new life and soul into them. They danced and howled with joy; they hugged and kissed each other, and blessed God for Mak Tinley, the Stomach Filler. One meagre and unkempt dog cried, "Three cheers for Mak Tinley, Statistics and Averages," which all the dogs gave. Then another meagre dog yelled, "Hurrah for our Country and Flag, the finest in the world," and all the dogs hurrahed, the pretty cloths were fluttered on high, the loud-noise producing instruments were blown and banged and thumped, and at the word "Flag," all the fleas arose and made prosternation.

Then a large, thin and lanky dog, with hungry eyes, jumped up and demanded that three cheers be rendered unto the Bamboozling Committee; which were no sooner given than he inquired with great and strident solicitude, "What is the matter with Harry Grandadhat?" And the whole assembly of dogs and fleas, before Grandadhat had time to reply on his own behalf, thundered out in one mighty chorus, "He's all right;" to which some one, who had evidently not heard who was referred to, inquired, "Who's all right?" to which again the whole assembly, very courteously and obligingly, responded in chorus: "Why, Harry Grandadhat." All which catechism seemed, for some deep and inscrutable reason, to cause a perfect delirium of joy. And the delirium spread and waxed until nothing was heard or seen but the chorused catechism, three cheers for everything and everybody, the hubbub of the wind and thump instruments, the waving of the pretty cloths, and the dogs tearing madly around, howling, standing on their heads, rolling on the ground, and leaping over each other for joy and gladness.

At last the tempest lulled, and the Blatherskite stepped forward and said, "Brethren, now is the accepted time; now is the day of testimony. In this hour of softened splendor and outpouring upon us all of the holy spirit of patriotism, if there is any dog here that feels it borne in upon his soul to testify, let him step up, and the Lord be with him."

Then stepped up the large and lanky dog of the hungry eyes, lolling out his tongue and panting with his recent great exertions, and feebly tottered up the eminence to testify. But before he commenced, Chancy Mountebank Dephool Flea got hold of him, and demanded of him "his name, that he might introduce him. Then Dephool Plea stepped forward and said, "Dogs and fellow citizens: This respected citizen says his name is Honest Labor, and that he desires to say what the Flag has done for his soul. Oh, fellow citizens, I need not tell you that such as he are the pride and strength of our common country, that it is to him and the Lowly Toiler, that the grandeur, magnificence and superbity of our material prosperity are due. Let us all gratefully remember that without him and his unceasing toil, this country had not been; that to him are we beholden for a large part - if not the largest part - of our wealth; that our brain, without his diligent paw, would have been absolutely useless; that in the upbuilding of this great country, he was the greatest factor, and that to him we look for its defence, its perpetuity.

"And I may say that it is our pride that this is a country, this is THE country, this the ONLY country in the world, where Honest Labor is held in honor; yea, in reverence; yea, that is crowned with glory and honor, and given first place in our esteem, and-" Here a loud voice came from afar off in the crowd, "First place at the grub basket would suit him better," followed by great confusion, alarm, and a great rush of police dogs that way, and a sound of thumped heads. The fleas looked anxious, and the Bamb.oozlers uneasy, and Andronicus Carnivorous, scenting danger, sidled off. Dephool Flea was much discumfuzzled, and nearly lost his cherubic smile; but he heroically held up his end, and continued;

"As I was saying, other effete countries have their kings and lords; but here we recognize no king, but Honest Labor [great cheers and restoration of confidence], no order of nobility but that of Humble Toil; and in no country does Honest Labor get so large a share of his own product, or hold his head so high with the conscious pride of his own worth. I have the proud honor and precious privilege of introducing him."

During all this speech, it was noticed that poor Honest Labor was changing visibly. At first his hungry eye grew bright, and his nostrils distended; and as the eloquence waxed in tumidity and turgidity, his head was lifted up and began to swell and swell, and at the crowning reference to his coronation as a king, it took a sudden and mighty inflation that made his body and legs look ridiculously thin and small and spindling by com-parison.

"What thinkest thou of our Chancy now?" said Harry Grandadhat, to his dear friend, the Holy One a Maker of long prayers, as he pointed to the Phenomenon.