Chapter XXXIX (The Much Titled Archbishop Plethoric Dog Shows The Infallible Way Of Going Down To The Dogs And Lifting Them Up To Church) (The Much Titled Archbishop Plethoric Dog Shows The Infallible Way Of Going Down To The Dogs And Lifting Them Up To Church). The Much Titled Archbishop Plethoric Dog Shows The Infallible Way Of Going Down To The Dogs And Lifting Them Up To Church. - Music And Pictures. - Not So Stomach Filling As Victuals, But Very Discontent-Diverting.

The Much Titled Archbishop Plethoric Dog Shows The 91

AFTER a short interval, to enable the assembly to recover from the stunning effect of the great Gospel of Going Down, there stepped forward His Grace, the Veriest, Mostest, Reverendest Archbishop Plethoric Dog, L.I.C.K.F.O.O.T. £. s. d., $$$ $$$, of the diocese of Upper Suckerdom and all Flunkeydom. He said:" Brethren, the called and chosen, the divinely-appointed almoners of Heaven's bounty, I congratulate my most Reverend, Asthmatic and Holy Brother, Archdeacon Suckerius P. Paunchiana Fatdog, upon the very able manner in which he has presented before you the Gospel of Going Down, and you on the happiness and good fortune of listening to him. I can only support my brother by pointing out how we can apply his Going Down Gospel. It has struck me that we can make use of many means which may be sanctified to their good.

"My brethren, there is the means of Music, which may be used to uplift poor dogs. It is well known that even dogs have a love of Music quite as strong as the most cultivated of fleas. Why not give these dogs Cheap Music? Let us provide for them bands of music to play in the public places, say, one day in a week. Who knows what the fiddle and the bow, the trombone and piccolo, the cornet and oboe, the flute and violoncello, the cymbals and the banjo, the triangle and the drum, may accomplish, when handled with consecrated paws, and blown with sanctified breath ? Let us show these degraded dogs that we love them, that we are blood of their blood, and are anxious to minister to their love of the beautiful in sight and sound. And, my brethren, we can make even music serve the cause of the church, and the means of drawing them to the sanctuary - which, of course, should be the aim and the object of all our efforts. We need not discourse unto them unsanctified jigs, and profane waltzes, and blasphemous schottisches, by which Satan beguiles the ungodly. No, no! There is a great multitude of beautiful pieces of music that have an upward and churchward tendency, that may be discoursed unto them, such as, 'I am so happy I'm going to heaven'; 'I desire to be an angel'; 'My home is not here, it is over there'; 'I am looking above to the heaven of love'; 'There is a happy land, far, far away'; and many others; and all these have a very good tendency to keep the minds of dogs fixed on things above and away from their sordid poverty and wicked trifling with the vain nonsense of trying to make this poor sin-stricken world any better.

"Oh, brethren, there is nothing more entrancing, more uplifting, more heartmelting, than to hear 'Go bury thy troubles' piously rendered by the cornet, harp, sackbut, psaltery, dulcimer, and all kinds of music. I have seen dogs melted to tears under it; and I make no doubt that many souls will be drawn to Church by it; and above all, in the present alarming state of dog-scepticism, it will have a good effect in drawing away their minds from the discussion of what they wickedly call their 'wrongs.'

"Then there is the love of art that may be appealed to. Dogs love to look at beautiful pictures. Why not open a picture gallery free for them all to come and gaze their fill? Of course, God, in his wisdom, has given us, alone, the power to buy pictures, but he did not intend us to be hoggish with them; He no doubt intended that we should share these our gifts with our inferior fellow creatures. Did not our great Master teach us to share our gifts with them? Yea, verily; and just as He, by coming down and imparting his gifts to us, has up-lifted us, and made us to sit in heavenly places, so we by the same conduct can uplift those who, by natural and divine ordination, are very wisely placed beneath us. Of course, we cannot hope ever to abolish their poverty, and put them on to our plane; for it is evident that the Almighty, in his wisdom, made dogs to be inferior, just as he made fleas to be superior. And it is just as evident that he ordained dogs to support fleas, in return for the inestimable benefits, both moral and spiritual, that fleas confer on dogs. Ye can easily see, my brethren, that fleas are absolutely necessary to the well being of dogs. Fancy a community of dogs without fleas! Who would lead them? Who would watch for their souls' welfare? Who would ameliorate their condition of want and ignorance? Who would have the leisure to go about amongst them, visiting them in their kennels, soothing their sorrows, binding up their sore places, calming their discontent with their divinely appointed lot, and pointing them to a Better Land, when they kick the bucket ?

"Brethren, what I meant to say before I digressed, is, that as one means of grace - a very great means of very great grace - I rank sanctified pictures and sanctified song very high. Yes, brethren, let us open a picture gallery, FREE as salvation, 'without money and without price,' open every day and evening in the year, except Sundays and during Lent, and the Saints' days, and solemn feasts and solemn fasts, and Thanksgiving and holidays and other solemn occasions, when infinitely higher matters - matters of eternal interest - than mere music and pictures, should engage the attention of dogs. Bearing in mind that pictures should be an aid to religion - not a substitute - let us put some of our best pictures on loan; nice soul-uplifting, truly sanctified pictures, such as 'Little Samuel's Waking,' 'Daniel in the Lion's Den,' the Prodigal's Return,' etc., etc. Such pictures as these fill the mind with pure and holy thoughts, and when properly administered will, without interfering with their more imperative duty of attending church, do them a great amount of good. Of course I do not mean that we should throw open these our precious treasures of art without restriction, to the gaze and handling of the whole breed of dogs without distinction. Oh, no, the dogs must be made to recognize that these are our pictures, and that their' owners have rights to be protected. We must duly impress upon these dogs' minds that 'It is of grace, not of debt' that they look upon them. We must impress upon them that we, the fleas, so loved the world of dogs that we gave the loan of our art treasures, that whosoever would might look upon them, and be a better and more contented dog. Well, not exactly 'whosoever'; it stands to sense that we must exclude all dirty dogs, for some of us will be there sometimes; and we must exclude dogs with sore eyes and bad breath, as we should not like any of our refined lady visitors to be offended by such unwholesomenesses; and it will certainly not do to let in profane and vulgar dogs, as bad manners corrupt the pious dogs. And as for those dogs who have been known to express subversive sentiments - sentiments inimical to fleas - that would lead to the overthrow of the present divinely appointed order of things, why, they must not be admitted at any price or on any pretense. All others should be allowed, if properly provided with an admission ticket and vouched for by two respectable members of flea society. With these trifling but judicious exceptions and restrictions, I think pictures may, under the divine blessing, be made an incalculably blessed means to the uplifting of poor, sinful and fallen caninity."

The Much Titled Archbishop Plethoric Dog Shows The 92

This big bug of a barker sat down amid thunders of applause. And the President, rising, advanced to the front of the platform, and when the applause had abated, said, in a voice of emotion: "Friends, Heaven does, indeed, bless us, for as I stand here I see that one whom we all love and revere has just entered the doorway. [Here the whole assembly turned to see who it was, and broke again into rapturous vociferation on beholding enter the very Honorable and Holy One a Maker of long prayers and short wages] We have with us our be-loved John, rich, pious, patriotic, humble, holy, and altogether lovely, and I shall have the exalted pleasure of asking him to address us now.