6. Look For Incident Repetition Compulsions

When I get to the discussion of the Adlerian Early Memory technique (page 444) I will give you another way to discover your incident repetition compulsions. For the present we will stick with blaming yourself.

I would start by emphasizing how symbolic the incident repetition compulsion becomes. Recall Mark, our baseball player. His catching the ball and not getting the praise he sought became a formative incident. Let's look at some of the ways he, over time, came to symbolize this incident and thus covertly to repeat it.

Obviously, at work he was driven to outstanding performance. But somehow the praise of his boss never seemed enough; he always left the evaluation with a feeling tone of disappointment. That is a fairly straightforward repetition.

He was also a "good friend." In his own mind that was just who he was, and praiseworthy for it. You could count on Mark for help when you needed it. But for all the pleasure he seemed (to himself) to take in his helpfulness and for all that he regarded that trait in himself as one of his virtues, he also (likely unrecognized) always had an undercurrent of resentfulness in response to each good friend act.

He was doing exceptional things and he always got a heartfelt "thank you." for it, but he also quietly and unnoticed also felt taken advantage of. Perhaps he was too good a friend and other people used him (injustice collection).

He was also a thoughtful husband. He especially liked bringing unexpected gifts to his wife. She was always surprised and never failed to be effusive in her gratitude. But that did not last. There was always another gift to bring and another chance to get the praise which his incident repetition demanded.

When he had a son, he could hardly wait to teach him baseball. He went to every game if it was at all possible to attend. Finally it happened, a catch of a hit ball that no one would have expected that his son could catch. At the game, after the game, on the way home, Mark could not stop praising the catch and what an amazing feat it was. He proudly told his wife about it. He proudly told his coworkers about it. If he could have gotten a trophy for his son, he would have. But, then, how to explain that a few days later he felt compelled to buy his wife a new pair of diamond earnings?

Incident repetition compulsions are never satisfied. In their symbolic form, they fester. Note that it is not the case that simply because a behavior is motivated by the mechanism of the incident repetition compulsion does not say that it is a bad or non-functional behavior. One can well find its manifestation to be utilitarian or admirable. And, after discovering a repetition compulsion you may well decide that you want to retain the behavior; the issue is not the cultural or moral worth of the behavior, the issue is the motivation behind it.

Fine enough, but, still, how do you learn to spot these repetition compulsions? We start with a principle so fundamental to self-study that it deserves to be set off in a comment box for emphasis.

Footnote 103. Technically, this is also an example of the mechanism of 'magical thinking.'

And I do mean: all! You may think saying "good morning" at work is just good manners or it is simply what we do each morning. But there are people who do not do it. Thus it is motivated behavior. Yes, it is good manners; yes, it is a cultural custom; but it is also volitional, it manifests a choice on your part. It may be so trivial and habitual that you think it is not worthy of the effort of study and analysis. Very well, take one morning and don't say it. Now notice the discomfort, the sense of being rude, the concern that you are offending and "what will people think?". Even as simple as saying "good morning" is not just habit, it is motivated behavior.

But, still, how do you find these hidden highly symbolized manifestations of your incident repetition compulsions? As always, it starts with data gathering. Just note, and add to your mental card catalogue, each incident, big or small. Then, when you have a sufficient list, start to corollate them; try to find something, anything, that might constitute a common element. Don't look at the details, the minutia, look at the overall picture. Treat it as you would if you were a novelist and you were working out the character and dialogue of one of your characters. In short, take yourself out of the picture and just observe it as though it were someone else doing or not doing it. In doing so, keep in mind that this process of abstraction looks to the form of the behavior, not to the explicit content.

7. Look For Life-Style Repetition Compulsions

Life-style repetition compulsions are both cruder and more pervasive than are incident repetition compulsions. That is, they are manifest in more basic choices and patterns.

They also have clearer indicators, clearer sources, than do incident repetition compulsions. You spent probably eighteen years living with the same parents and siblings. By definition that qualifies as a life style. Now the question is: what was that home situation really like? Parents never see their children as they are; children never see their parents as they are (were).

Again, the basic operation is to step back from the details, the minutia, and look at the pattern. Let's say, as an example, that your mother followed one of the currently fashionable child raising books and gave you "unqualified positive regard." She was unfailingly supportive, unfailingly praising, unfailingly taking your side in any disputes (a problem with a friend was always that the other person had done you wrong; that you were right and had been the victim of the other child's meanness).

Just an example, but not an unusual one in my experience.

What might, given this home life experience, be the result? You always expect support. You look for friends who are supportive. You tend to avoid conflict. You choose work that is well within your competence. When you find someone of the opposite sex who seems, in glance or words, to admire you; you are quickly smitten. You are a sucker for praise and never seem to be able to spot the treachery that might lie beneath the praise. You are frequently disappointed by others and "your feeling are easily hurt." You quickly take in new people as good friends and just as quickly drop anyone who disappoints you. I could go on; people are, as it were, infinitely variable. But the point, I hope, is made. When you start to blame yourself first, you then have the basis for asking what did I do wrong and why did I do it? Where can I find like behavior in other situations and/or with other people? I think I know what happened and why; but let's try out for effect completely different ways of looking at the situation.

Footnote 104. life-style repetition compulsion: any condition that has been experienced for an extended period of time comes to be regarded as the natural, the normal, the to be expected.

Footnote 105. I have a special name for this situation. I call it "the white hospital syndrome." The resultant pathology is especially serious and especially hard to treat.

As I try each new way to conceptualize the whole experience, I am looking for patterns, not minutia. I won't know if I am on the right path or off to a dead end; and it does not matter; the issue is the exploration not the answer.

Because behavior is overdetermined, there is not one answer to any such inquiry; there are many answers. Some answers might be central and others tangential; it does not matter. Whatever you can guess at as a new way to conceptualize the situation is another path that just might lead to new insight and, in any event, it can't hurt to try it on for size and see where it goes.

8. Look For Patterns

I've said this twice now, but here it gets its own heading. A single incident can, on occasion, lead back to a memory but the usual condition is that the data lies in many seemingly disparate and unrelated interchanges or incidents and the crucial analysis lies in being able to step back from each incident and see some type of pattern. Obviously patterns emerge only when there is a sufficient number of cases that they can be grouped and summed in various ways. So finding patterns presupposes analyzing many incidents, all in a "it might be" tentative way, and then keeping track of the speculative answers until you have enough data to start making speculative groupings.

If you are not good at filling out mental filing cards then use actual physical filing cards (or put a note on your portable device).

Since character is pervasive (as are the two forms of the repetition compulsion), you will have occasion to find many data points. However, it is also the case that (1) character is not unitary, you will find that the data can be grouped in a number of different ways and (2) keep in mind that the average person has three characters structures all operative at the same time.

Therefore one rule of study is, as it were, to keep trying new and unique ways of conceptualizing the situation and keep all possibilities open in your mind. One grouping, when you get to that point, might give you data about one character structure while another grouping might give you data about another character structure.

Keep in mind also that issue of ego-syntonic and ego-dystonic. Recall that character is ego-syntonic and thus your "just me" way of doing things is not only also data, it is important data. Never allow yourself the easy out of saying "that's just the way I am" or "that's just being responsible" or "that's simply being polite, that's all" or "that's simply what is expected of me as a ...." All those are statements of the fact that the behavior is ego-syntonic and thus are more statements of your character than would be other observations.

9. Check Your Assumptions, Part One.

All human concepts contain hidden assumptions. Often the assumptions are so much a part of our thought process that it is difficult to ferret out those assumptions. I provided an example of that earlier when I wrote about the assumption of cause and effect that is part of the adult's automatic thinking while the child does not even have the concept.

Here is where books on logic and philosophy can provide valuable insight. In logic I would like to recommend The Art of Reasoning (3rd ed.); David Kelly, 1998, New York: W. W. Norton and Art of reasoning: readings for logical analysis; Stephen Hicks & David Kelley 1998, New York: W. W. Norton. In philosophy I happen to like Brand Blanshard's Reason and analysis, 1962/1991, La Salle, IL: Open Court.

There are, of course, innumerable other books on reasoning, on logic, and on philosophy. However, it will not help to read a given philosopher expounding his theories. The goal of the reading is to learn how to think critically, not to learn what Heidegger or Nietzsche or Sartre said.

10. Check Your Assumptions, Part Two.

In choosing this as a sub-topic I know I am repeating what I said above; but the principle bears repetition.

Emotions (feelings) are not automatic. Why am I experiencing this emotion (as opposed to some other emotion)? "Well, everyone would feel this in this situation" is not an answer, it is the avoidance of an answer. That fact is that it is not everyone, it is you and there do exist other possibilities, even to feeling nothing.

If you can't seem to lose weight, it is not just that it is hard, or that fat runs in your family. The fact is that it is you that is fat and all behavior is motivated.

If you enjoy one television show and not another, you have data. Something about the plot, the characters, the politics, the life style; something about the show that you like fits with your character and the show that you do not like challenges your character. Ask why. "It's a funny show" is not an answer, it is the avoidance of an answer.

The same goes for movies you like or dislike, activities you enjoy or do not enjoy, people you like or don't like, magazine you read or do not read, news shows that you watch or don't watch, religion that you have or don't have, clothes that you like to wear or don't like to wear, foods that you like or don't like, music that you like or don't like. I don't need to continue with this all too easy list. The point is made: everything you do or don't do speaks to who you are; speaks to your character and/or your coping mechanisms.