Flight-Toward

The extreme of this ER would function entirely like a baby and does not exist in an adult. (The strong component of flight-toward in the ambivalent ER flight-toward/away is discussed under that heading). In its pure form, flight-toward also has similarities to fright-paralysis in passive attachment to the partner and relative inertia, with lack of muscle tonus. Pure flight-toward is rare but its main focus is oral, with sex largely the satisfaction of oral needs. Emotionally, for such a woman the man's penis becomes a kind of nourishing nipple, and the vagina a clinging mouth. For a man, there is little or no erective potency, but a need to cling, baby-like to the woman, with some oral focus on the nipple, the mouth or perhaps the genitals. All of the following attributes are unlikely to appear together but each has been observed in many separate cases.

The body is already chronically deflated and the minimal degree of inflation means a very narrow pulsatory range. In some cases the orgasm reflex occurs immediately in response to excitement: any movement to extend the trunk and breathe in fully is met by a counter-movement toward deflation.

The oral concentration keeps excitation focused in the head. Fantasies should be discussed, if possible, so that some excitation may be released to move lower down in the body. Satisfaction of oral needs in foreplay may help dissolve the fantasy. If the person wants to stay at the foreplay level they must somehow be nudged toward genitality (at least, if the partner needs it). Trying to deal with the flight-toward by pushing the person away may be counterproductive, increasing anxiety and insecurity and thus the need for clinging.

Of course the partner may enjoy the clinging. Some men, particularly if insecure themselves, may delight in women who show oral qualities of clinging, sucking, and excessive dependence. Women seem less attracted to these qualities in men. They are not functional in either women or men.

In the sexual context, if you are the relatively active partner of a person in whom flight-toward is strong, you may have to adopt passivity at times so that your partner has room for active expression by taking the initiative. At first they may not know what to do; there will be failures in nerve and therefore sudden losses of excitation. A woman whose vagina has been a relatively passive "mouth" to a nourishing penis, who satisfies her husband by being present to his needs, may find it difficult to discover her own genital needs. Feeling her vagina as an actively seeking organ which in itself demands satisfaction will be especially hard. Without being totally inert the husband should let the woman have the initiative, encouraging her to convey what she wants as soon as she feels the slightest urge or desire.

A man whose main emotional reward in sex is protective contact with a strong woman, and who remains passive while the woman uses his penis, has to be encouraged to be more aggressive (unless, of course, the couple have achieved an equilibrium in which both are entirely satisfied). It may help to discuss the man's fears of aggression, or the image he may have (perhaps derived from father or brothers) of a sexually aggressive man being brutal.

Where both partners tend to cling orally, like Babes in the Wood, it may be hard to mobilize more energy without some outside help. But couples work often helps simply by shaking up established habits.

Fight-Fright (Struggle)

This is a difficult situation in sexual terms: high energy struggling for genital release in the presence of strong genital blocks. Anxiety is extremely high and the constant tendency is to want the partner to release the tension. There may be a longing for the partner to do this by violent means. Another tendency is to complain every time the partner fails to do the right thing. The partner may end up feeling like a brute or a fool even while sensing a pressure to act this way. It is almost impossible to avoid being drawn into this struggle.

Excitation is held by spasms in the throat and genitals and the only discharge is through the struggle itself. The fright-flight person eventually becomes worn out and exasperated, which is at least a temporary release of mechanical tension. Sometimes the struggle becomes one to please the partner. The person wears him or herself out through a dogged sexual endurance.

Movement becomes struggle, pushing, and in particular squeezing, of the partner, or of the thighs and genital area. Mechanical tension is at a maximum. Movement and immobility alternate erratically. A struggle to achieve sensation is followed by sudden inflated rigidity and holding of the breath; this blocks undulatory movement and pulsation.

The main problem with chronic struggle is that it inevitably involves the partner. When your joint efforts to work through your sexual blocks reach an impasse of circular discussions or traded accusations and repeated failure (all these things can happen from time to time, but here I mean chronically and often), it is best to seek an outside perspective. Clarity is essential in any deep-moving work on sexuality.

There is a difference between fight-fright as a chronic ER and as an acute or passing condition. Almost everyone experiences intense struggle, feelings of being torn between pleasure and anxiety, at one time or another in sex, most particularly as orgasm approaches in a contact which is especially intense. In fact the more intense your sexual experiences become, the more you are likely to go through such episodes. The best advice is negative (since pulsation cannot be prescribed): don't push; don't squeeze, don't hold your breath; don't try and stop anything from happening. Part of the panic is in trusting both one's own and the partner's body to perform naturally in an overwhelming but not destructive event.

Flight-Toward/Away

Here the person is not struggling and trapped. The same ambivalence as in fight-fright exists between the longing for release and the fear of it, but the ambivalence is highly mobile. The flight-toward phase is seductive, eager, even passionate, but once the passion becomes too intense, a flight-away response takes over. The result is a catch-as-catch-can pleasure, which ebbs and flows or shifts rapidly from one area of excitation to another. Every part of the body is "genitalized": movements of the mouth, or tongue, or fingers are all felt as evocative of genital contact, and are locally excited. At the genital level, however, excitement is also local, supposing it has been allowed to build up in spite of the many movements of "excited" discharge. The flight-toward is genital and the flight-away is also genital. The person does not run away into terror or paralysis and internal fantasy; rather they run into further expression of excitement—or apparent excitement.

The orgasm convulsions are replaced by alternative movements which, however, are not deliberate and controlled, but random and loose. In general the "yes" movement of the pelvis as it tilts involuntarily forward is replaced by side-to-side movements or a pulling back. The pelvis may be thrust forward as if offering or yielding before excitation mounts to a danger point, but does not reach forward on its own.

Because of the connection between this mobile ambivalence and either the fact or the potential of incest, many fantasies and fears may need to be brought out and discussed. In spite of overtly sexual behavior, the person is often very frightened of some kind of exposure. A steady relationship often helps a person with mobile ambivalence to settle down without any conscious work being attempted. The relationship imposes its own concentration in mutual satisfaction, and gradually many diffuse pregenital complexes and urges become satisfied and released.

As in flight-toward, work on the mat can aim at mobilizing the person's aggression in general and then their genital and pelvic aggression specifically.