The Prince Of Gentlemen

"Here, you bog-trotter," said a coxcomb, with a patronizing air, "come and tell me the greatest lie you can, and I'll treat you to a jug of whisky punch." "On my word," answered Barney, "yer honor's a gintleman!"

Clever Stupidity

"James, my son, take this letter to the Post Office, and pay the postage."The boy returned highly elated, and said: "Father, I seed a lot of men putting letters in a little place, and when no one was looking, I slipped yours in for nothing."

More Ways Than One

A naughty little boy, only six years of age, was in the habit of asking money from all the gentlemen who came to see his father. The latter, in indignation, made him promise, under pain of punishment, not to ask any more of any one. The next day came his father's partner; and the boy, in order not to break the promise, said to him, "Do you know any one who would lend me a half-penny without ever requiring it back again V1

Oysters

"Bring in the oysters I told you to open," said the head of the household, growing impatient. "There they are," replied the country cook, proudly; "it took me a long while to clean 'em, but I've done it at last, and thrown all the insides into the slop bucket."

"I know a genius," observed Meister Karl, "who has an howdacious plan of opening oysters. He spreads 'em in a circle, seats himself in the centre, and begins spinning a yarn. Sometimes it's a lion-slaying adventure - sometimes a legend of his love - sometimes a descent into the crater of Vesuvius. As he proceeds the oysters get interested; one by one they gape with astonishment at the tremendous whoppers which are poured forth, and as they gape my friend whips them out and swallows them!"

"That'll do," said Starlight, with a long sigh; "I wish we had a bushel of 'em here now - they'd open easy!"

Happy Moments

There are some happy moments in this lone

And desolate world of ours that well repay The toil of struggling through it, and atone

For many a long sad night, and weary day. They come upon the mind like some wild air

Of distant music, when we know not where, Or whence, the sounds are brought from, and their power,

Though brief, is boundless.

Misc

"Johnny," said a doting mother to her son, who was evidently eating immoderately, "can you eat that large piece of pudding with impunity?" "I don't know, 'ma," quoth young hopeful, "but I know I can with a spoon!"

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"Why is love like a 'tatoe?" said Jane To the gardener, Pat, who was working hard by;

"Faith, Miss," replied Paddy, "the reason is plain, They're indigenous plants, and both shoot from the eye!"

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An English Judge, being asked what contributed most to success at the bar, replied, "Some succeed by great talent, some by a miracle, but the majority by commencing without a shilling."

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A clergyman who bought his sermons ready-written, instead of composing them himself, yet fondly believed his manuscripts peculiar to himself, was invited to preach in a church at some distance. Imagining that his sermon had created a sensation, he asked the sexton, after service, how it was liked. "Oh, very much indeed, sir," said the sexton, "we always did like that sermon!"

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He that is out of clothes is out of fashion; And out of fashion is out of countenance; And out of countenance is out of wit.

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The first step toward wisdom, is to know that thou art ignorant; and if thou wouldst not be esteemed foolish in the judgment of others, cast off the folly of being wise in thine own conceit.

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It is said to have been satisfactorily demonstrated, that every time a wife scolds her husband, she adds a wrinkle to her face. It is thought the announcement of this fact will have a most satisfactory effect, especially as it is understood that every time a wife smiles on her husband, it will remove one of the old wrinkles!

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Some years ago a London chemist conceived the idea of collecting all the soapsuds of the metropolis, and recovering the soap that had been used in washing; and could he only have organized a plan of collecting the suds, he would have succeeded. An idea similar to this, has within the last few years been realized at Manchester, with the refuse of the factories. The invention has been patented, and an immense amount of waste tallow is thus recovered, which used to be washed into the Irish Channel, instead of returning to the purlieus of civilization, the wash-houses and bed-chambers, to wash the skins and the garments of the million. The Thames carries down many thousand tons of good soap and candles, which would be much more useful to society, and more grateful to the senses, in that domestic form and character, than in those they now sustain in their voyage to the ocean. Some years ago a patent was taken out for a mode of recovering a large portion of this tallow; but it has not yet been carried into practical operation.

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An auctioneer exclaimed - "Why, really, ladies and gentlemen, I am giving these things away!" "Are you?" said an old lady; "well, I will thank you for the silver milk jug you have in your hand!"

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A United States' Consul was very rarely to be found in his office, although upon his sign were the words "In from ten to one." An indignant Captain, after trying to find the Consul several days without success, took a paint brush and altered the official's sign, so that it read, "Ten to one he is not in."

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We may arise in the morning with our hearts light and our spirits free, and before evening comes - nay, in one short hour, circumstances may occur which shall call for the exercise of no ordinary share of grace; and unless we are on our guard, plunge us into guilt, and shame, and distress. In many a dismal story of private life we find that the sin which threw its chill withering shade, over all succeeding years - from which there was no refuge but through the darkness of the grave - was committed without premeditation, without design, simply by being "off one's guard." It is possible one hour to shudder at the thought of sin, and before that hour has passed away, to be the thing you shudder at.