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A learned Clergyman in Maine was accosted in the following manner by an illiterate preacher who despised education: - "Sir, you have been to college I suppose?" "Yes, sir," was the reply. "I am thankful," replied the former, "that the Lord has opened my mouth without any learning." "A similar event," replied the latter, "took place in Balaam's time; but such things are of rare occurrence in the present day."

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Who is he that hath acquired wealth, that hath risen to power, that hath clothed himself with honor, that is spoken of in the city with praise, and that standeth before the king in his counsel? Even he that hath shut out idleness from his house, and hath said, Sloth, thou art mine enemy.

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A young lady at a ball was asked by a lover of serious poetry, whether she had seen "Crabbers Tales?" "Why, no," she answered, "I didn't know that crabs had tails." "I beg your pardon, miss," said he; "I mean have you read Crabbe's Tales?" "I assure you, sir, I was not aware that red crabs had tails nor any other."

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A servant was sent by her mistress during warm weather, for a piece of beef. The butcher forwarded it in due course; but, on removing a portion of the suet, the indications of life which presented themselves were unmistakable. Next day the same girl was sent for a leg of lamb. "Are you sure it is sweet?" she inquired. "Perfectly," said the butcher, "the lamb was alive yesterday." "So was the beef we had yesterday," was the reply.

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Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents, common or unavoidable.

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Let him that scoffeth at the lame, take care that he halt not himself- Whosoever speaketh of another's failings with pleasure, shall hear of his own with bitterness of heart.

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A mild answer to an angry man, like water cast upon the fire, abateth his heat; and from an enemy he shall become thy friend.

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"Will you dine with me to-morrow, Mr. ------?" asked one Irishman of another. "Faith and I will, with all my heart." "Remember, 'tis only a family dinner I'm asking you to." "And what for not; a family dinner is a mighty pleasant thing. What have you got?" "Och, nothing uncommon - an elegant piece of corned beef, and potatoes." "By the powers, that bates the world; my favorite dinner; we often have it at our table - barrin' the beef!"

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Forget not, 0 man, that thy station on earth is appointed by the wisdom of the Eternal; who know-eth thy heart, who seeth the vanity of thy wishes, and who often in mercy denieth thy requests.

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Shortly after the commencement of the last war, a tax was laid on candles, which, as a political economist would prove, made them dearer. A Scotch wife, in Greenock, remarked to her chandler, Paddy Macbeth, that the price was raised, and asked why. "It's owin' to the wars," said Paddy. "The war!" said the astonished matron, " gracious me! are they gaun to fight by candle light?"

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Happiness, like every other precious good must be sought for. Some people, to be sure, are born like sunshine - they are naturally pleasant and light-hearted; but these are few and far between, and always monopolized. Emulate them. Why may not you be as cheerful as they? They have their trials and private annoyances as well as you, and with effort you can cull as many flowers and catch as many sunbeams as they.

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Nothing serves more effectually to lighten the calamities of life than steady employment.

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The cheeks of a lady in the autumn of life, and the leaves of the trees in the autumn of the year, often grow redder and redder; but nature is not always in both cases the artist.

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Why is French cookery better than English? Because in the Revolution of 1G88 the Stew-arts were driven out of England into France.

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One morning a party came into the public rooms at Buxton, somewhat later than usual, and requested some tongue. They were told that Lord Byron had eaten it all. "I am very angry with his lordship," said a lady, loud enough for him to hear the observation. "I am sorry for it, madam," retorted Lord Byron, "but before I ate the tongue I was assured you did not want it."

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There are some members of the community that are like the crumb in the mouth - if they go the right way they afford a little nourishment, but if they happen to go the wrong way they cause a deal of trouble.

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The piety of a child is sweeter than the incense of Persia offered to the sun; yea, more delicious than odors wafted from a field of Arabian spices by the western gales.

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Here is a recipe to get rid of an old acquaintance whose society you don't like: If he is poor, lend him some money - if he is rich, ask him to lend you some. Both means are certain.

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Two Gentlemen were talking in a coffee-house of the best method of dressing a beefsteak. One of them observed, that, of all receipts, the one given in the words of Macbeth, when he deliberates on the intended death of the king, is the best:

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"If it were clone, when 'tis clone, then 'twere well it were done quickly."

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A maid servant was dismissed on account of her lack of cleanliness. She requested her employer, if the cause of her dismissal should be mentioned, to do it in as light terms as possible. The following certificate was given to her: "Anna B------has conducted herself well in my service, the main cause of her dismissal being a tendency to hydro-phobia.

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Man in his civilized state is supposed to eat more than a thousand times in every year of his life.

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The following is a good story about a clergyman, who lost his horse one Saturday evening. After hunting for it in company with a boy until midnight, he gave up in despair. The next day he took for his text the following passage from Job: "Oh, that I knew where I might find him!" The boy, who had just come in, supposing the horse was still the burden of thought, cried out, "I know where he is, sir - he's in Tom Smith's stable!"