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At a recent festive meeting, a married man (who should have known better) proposed - "The Ladies: Who divide our sorrows, double our joys, and treble our expenses!"

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Whatever thou resolvest to do, do it quickly. Defer not till the evening what the morning may accomplish.

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Charles the Second gave the name to the piece-of beef called the "sirloin." Having earned from a loin, and being well pleased with the joint, he asked its name; and being told that it was a loin of beef, said jocosely that it should be knighted for its merits; then, extending his sword over it, he exclaimed, "Henceforth be Sir Loin!"

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Sheridan was once taken ill in consequence of a fortnight's continued dining-ont and dissipation. He sent for Dr. H., who prescribed rigid abstinence; calling again soon afterward, he asked his patient if he was attending to that advice. The answer being in the affirmative, "Right," said the doctor; "'tis the only way to secure you length of days." "I do not doubt it," said Sheridan, "for these last three days, since I began, have been the longest to me in my life!"

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"What a small kitchen!" exclaimed Queen Elizabeth, after going over a handsome mansion. "It is by having so small a kitchen that I am enabled to keep so large a mansion," replied the owner.

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An Irish housemaid, who was sent to call a gentleman to dinner, found him engaged in using a tooth-brush. "Well, is he coming?" said the lady. "Yes, ma'am, directly - he's just sharpening his teeth!"

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There can be no objection to broils in the house, so that they emanate only from the kitchen.

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"My dear," said a young wife, returning from a ball, "I have learned one of the most difficult steps." "There is a step," replied the husband, "the most valuable of all; but it is one, I fear, you will never care to learn." "Indeed! what can that be?" "It is to step into the kitchen!"

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When you have lost money in the streets, every one is ready to help you to look for it; but when you have lost your character, every one leaves you to recover it as you can.

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"Come here, and tell me what the four seasons are." Young prodigy responds: "Pepper, mustard, salt, and vinegar - them's what mother always sea-sons with! "

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"My dear," inquired a young wife of her husband, as she turned up her rosy little mouth to be kissed, "have you seen the ma gnificent set of walnut furniture which the Jenkinses have just bought?" "Hem! No, love, but I've seen the bill,,which quite satisfies me!"

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"Why did you leave your last place?" inquired a young housekeeper about to engage a new servant. "Why, you see, ma'am," replied the applicant, "I was too good-looking, and when I opened the door folks took me for the missus!"

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"Has that cookery book any pictures V said Miss C. to a bookseller. "No, madam, none," was the answer. "Why," exclaimed the witty and beautiful lady, "what is the use of telling us how to make a good dinner if they give us no plates?"

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"I regard the discovery of a new dish," said a gourmand, "as a far more interesting event than the discovery of a new star - for we always have stars enough, but can never have too many cooks. I shall never consider the science sufficiently honored until we have a cook elected to Congress."

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"What a breakfast of learning is mine!" "A breakfast of learning!" with wonder he cried,

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"When I'm making large extracts from Bacon!"

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"What is Eternity?" - The following beautiful answer, by a pupil of the deaf-and-dumb school at Paris, contains a sublimity of conception scarcely to be equalled: " The lifetime of the Almighty."

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"No man," says Mrs. Partington, "was better calculated to judge of pork than ray poor husband; he knew what good hogs were, for he had been brought up with 'em from childhood!"

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"Sire, one word," said a soldier one day to Frederick the Great, when presenting to him a request for the brevet of lieutenant. "If you say two," answered the king, "I will have you hanged." "Sign," replied the soldier. The king stared, whistled, and signed.

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"I love you like any thing," said a young gardener to his sweetheart. "Ditto," said she. The ardent lover was sorely puzzled to understand the meaning of ditto. The next day, being at work with his father, he said, "Daddy, what is the meaning of ditto?" "Why," said the old man, V this here is one cabbage head, ain't it?" "Yes, daddy." "Well, that ere's ditto." "Drat it!" ejaculated the indignant son, " she called me a cabbage head!"

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"The Pythagoreans had a wise saying, "That a special care is to be had of two portions of our time - of the morning, to consider, and to resolve to do what ought to be done; and of the evening, to examine whether we have done what we ought.' "

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"Jem," said a little boy who was boasting of his father's new house, " we have got such a fine portico, and mahogany doors, and plate-glass windows! and on the top is a cupola - and it's going to have something else." " What is it?" asked his interested companion. "Why, I heard father tell mother this morning that we are going to have a mortgage upon it!"

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"Bridget," said a mistress to her Irish servant, "where's the cullender?" "An' sure, ma'am, I's jist after giving it to my sister's own cousin, Bridget 0'Flaherty - the thing's so full of holes it's no good at all!"

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"If I am not at home to-night at ten o'clock," said a husband to his better half, "don't wait for me." "I won't, my dear," replied the lady, significantly. And what do you think she did? At ten o'clock, precisely, she slipped on her bonnet and went for him, and gave him a bit of her mind before a large company.

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"Is there much water in the cistern, Biddy?" inquired a gentleman of an Irish servant, as she came from the kitchen. "It's full on the bottom, sir, but there's none at all on the top!"