---

An inexpensive gravy for all stews, hashes, etc., may be made of a large onion, some whole pepper, a piece of bread toasted brown, but not burned, and a dessert-spoonful of walnut catsup boiled in a pint of water.

---

A lady meeting a girl who had lately left her service, inquired - " Well, Lucy, where do you live now?" "Please, ma'am, I don't live now, I'm married!" replied the girl.

---

A gentleman, at an eating-house asked the person next to him if he would please to pass the mustard? "Sir," said the man, "do you mistake me for a waiter?" "Oh, no," was the reply, "I mistook you for a gentleman."

---

Formerly, women were prohibited from marrying till they had spun a regular set of bed furniture, and, till their marriages, were consequently called spinsters, which term continues to this day in all legal proceedings.

---

Why is a cricket on the hearth like a soldier in the Crimea? Because he always advances under a brisk fire.

---

Thy father hath watched for thy welfare, he hath toiled for thy ease. Do honor, therefore, to his age, and let not his gray hairs be treated with irreverence.

---

Since the days that are past are gone forever, and those that are to come may not come to thee, it behoveth thee, 0 man, to employ the present time, without regretting the loss of that which is past, or too much depending on that which is to come.

---

He that watches for an opportunity of revenge, lieth in wait against himself, and draweth down mischief on his own head.

---

To be satisfied with a little is the greatest wisdom, and he that increaseth his riches increas-eth his cares; but a contented mind is a hidden treasure, and trouble findeth it not.

---

The wise man cultivates his mind with knowledge, the improvement of arts is his delight, and their utility to the public crowneth him with honor.

---

Rossini had accepted an invitation to dine with a certain lady whose dinners were known to be arranged on a severely economical scale. The dinner ottered to the maestro formed no exception to the general rule, and he left the table rather hungry. "I hope you will soon do me the honor to dine with me again," said the lady. "Oh, yes, immediately, if you like," was the reply.

---

In all thy desires let reason go along with thee, and fix not thy hopes beyond the bounds of probability; so shall success attend thy undertakings - thy heart shall not be vexed with disappointments.

---

A gentleman was one day disputing with Mirza Mohammed Ibrahim about the excellence of his cook, of whose fame he was very jealous, and wound up with - "He ought to know something of cookery, for he has been forty years before the fire." "Well," said the Mirza, "he may have been forty years before the fire, but he is raw yet!"

---

Lord Braco, an ancestor of the Earl of Fife, was remarkable for practicing that miserable rule, "Get all you can, and keep all you get." One day, walking down the avenue from his house, he saw a farthing lying at his feet, which he took up and carefully cleaned. A beggar passing at the same time, entreated his lordship would give him the farthing, saying "it was not worth a nobleman's attention." "Fin' a farthing yoursel', puir body," replied his lordship, and carefully put the coin into his breeches pocket.

---

Some men devote themselves so exclusively to their business as almost entirely to neglect their domestic and social relations. A gentleman of this class having failed, was asked what he intended to do. "I am going home to get acquainted with my wife and children!" said he.

---

In a country news room, the following notice is written over the chimney: "Gentlemen learning to spell are requested to use yesterday's paper.

---

Said Tom, "Since I have been abroad, I have eaten so much veal that I am ashamed to look a calf in the face!" "I s'pose, sir, then," said a wag, "you continue to shave without a glass!"

---

The best description of weakness we have ever heard is contained in the wag's prayer to his wife, when she gave him some thin chicken broth, that she would try to coax that chicken just to wade through that soup once more!

---

A brow-beating counsel asked a witness, during a trial for assault, the distance he was from the parties when the assault happened. He answered, "Just four feet five inches and a half." "How come you to be so exact, fellow?" said the counsel. "Because I thought some fool or other would ask me, so I measured it."

---

Eat not to dulness; drink not to elevation.

---

A calf when fed for market is said to have consumed as much milk as would make one hundred pounds of cheese.

---

The gifts of the understanding are the treasures of God; and he appointeth to every one his portion in what measure seemeth good unto himself.

---

It is better to be laughed at than ruined; better to have a wife who cheapens every thing and buys nothing, than to be impoverished by one whose vanity would purchase every thing, but whose pride will cheapen nothing.

---

Lord Byron knew a dull man who lived on a bon mot of Moore's for a week; and his lordship once offered a wager of a considerable sum that the reciter was guiltless of understanding its point, but he could get no one to accept the bet.

---

A formal, fashionable visitor thus addressed a little girl: - "How are you, my dear?" "Very well, 1 thank you," she replied. The visitor then added: "Now, my dear, you should ask me how I am." The child simply and honestly replied, "I don't want to know 1"

---

The crumb of a stale loaf very evenly sliced is best for the purpose.

---

A good wife will always receive her husband with smiles, leave nothing undone to render home agreeable, and gratefully reciprocate kindness and attention.