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As the late Professor------ was one day walking near Aberdeen, he met a well-known individual of weak intellect. "Pray," said the Professor, "how long can a person live without brains?" "I dinna ken," replied Jemmy, scratching his head, "how auld are ye yourself?"

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One would never guess the device adopted by one of the London dandies of ripe age to delude his acquaintances into the supposition that his luxuriant wig is the natural product of his own head. The secret has been betrayed by a treacherous barber. The gentleman, it seems, caused to be manufactured as many wigs as there are days in the month, each wig being provided with a box and a number. Every morning he puts on a peruke slightly differing from the others. Thus, the hair of number four is a trifle longer than that of number three, and so on to numbers thirty and thirty-one, which look as though they needed cutting. Upon reaching the last day of the month, our ingenious beau visits his club, runs his fingers through his wig, and says in a careless tone, "My hair is growing much too long; I must have it cut!" And the next morning he dons number one again.

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There is no error more fatal than imagining that pinching a youth in his pocket money will teach him frugality. On the contrary, it will occasion his running into extravagances with so much more eagerness when he comes to have money in his own hands; as pinching him in his diet will make his appetite only the more rapacious. If you put into the hands of your child more money than is suitable to his age and discretion, you must expect to find that he has thrown it away upon what is not only idle, but hurtful. A certain, small, regular income any child above six years of age ought to have. When he comes to be capable of keeping an account, he ought to be obliged to do it; he will thereby acquire a habit of frugality, attention, and prudence, that will be of service to him through his whole life. On the contrary, to give a young person money to spend at will, without requiring any account of it, is leading, or rather forcing him, into extravagance and folly.

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A countryman was once sowing his grass ground, when two smart fellows, riding that way called to him with an insolent air, "Well, honest fellow," said one of them. "' Tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruit of your labor." To which the countryman replied: 'Tis very likely you may, truly, for I am sowing hemp."

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Bacon says justly, the best part of beauty is that which a picture cannot express.

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Good intentions are at least the seed of good actions; and every man ought to sow them, and leave it to the soil and the seasons whether they come up or not, and whether he or any other gathers the fruit.

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Why is the first chicken of a brood like the foremast of a ship? Because it's a little for'ard of the main hatch!

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Scorn to depress thy competitor by any dishonest or unworthy methods; strive to raise thyself above him only by excelling him; so shall thy contest for superiority be crowned with honor, if not with success.

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Eddie, (a very smart boy): "Pa, how many chickens are there on this dish?" Parent: "two my son." Eddie: "No, there are three. This is one, and this is two and one and two make three." Parent: "Well, then, your mother may have one; I'll take the other, and you shall have the third for your dinner."

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A poor emaciated Irishman, having called in a doctor as a forlorn hope, the latter spread a huge mustard plaster and clapped it on the poor fellow's breast. Pat, with a tearful eye looking downward upon it, said: - "Docthor, docthor! it strikes me that's a dale of mustard for so little mate!"

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Sidney Smith was once dining with a French gentleman, who had been before dinner indulging in a variety of free-thinking speculations, and had ended by avowing himself a materialist. "Very good soup this," said Mr. Smith. "Oui, Monsieur, c'est excellente," was the reply. "Pray, sir, do you believe in a cook?" inquired Mr. Smith.

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Let thine own business engage thy attention; leave the care of the State to the governors thereof.

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A gentleman complimented a lady on her improved appearance. "You are guilty of flattery!" said she. "Not so," replied the gentleman, "for I vow you are as plump as a partridge? "At first," said the lady, " I thought you guilty of flattery only; but now I find you are actually making game of me!"

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A certain barrister, who was remarkable for coming into court with dirty hands, observed that he "had been turning over Coke." " I should have thought it had been coal!" was the reply of a neighboring counsel.

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To be continually judging and censuring those that were never privately and personally reproved, lovingly and compassionately admonished, nor once earnestly and heartily prayed for by them - this censorious spirit is a Christless spirit.

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Better to go to bed supperless than to rise in debt

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Fowls seem exceedingly grateful for the gift of cold water. They never swallow a drop of it without turning up their eyes to heaven.

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An awkward man attempting to carve a goose, dropped it on the floor. "There now!" exclaimed the wife, "we've lost our dinner." "Oh no, my dear!" answered he, "it's safe. I have got my foot on it!"

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Dr. Franklin was once endeavoring to kill a turkey by electricity, when he received the whole force of the battery himself. Recovering, he good-humoredly remarked, that instead of a turkey, he had nearly put an end to a goose.

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A Man whose first wife was remarkably neat married a slattern. On one occasion she mustered resolution to rub down the old mahogany table. Her good man sat quietly regarding her until she had done, when he burst into tears. She desired to know what had affected him in so unusual a manner? "The sight of that table," said he; "for I now recognize it as an old acquaintance, and it awakens reminiscences of days that are gone, for it always looked thus when my first wife was living." It is unneccessary to say that the insulted lady bounced out of the room and declared as she slammed the door behind her, that she would make herself a slave to no man.