The spectacle of a bald-headed man buying a "hair restorer" from a bald-headed druggist is one of the sights that must make the gods laugh and all the little fishes in the sea wiggle their tails in ecstasy, but for all that, it is a thing that often actually happens.

We have become so accustomed to doing foolish things that we do them without any appreciation of the absurdity of the matter, though in reality it is not so very much more absurd to buy "hair restorer" from a bald-headed druggist than from a "hairy" one - you will get stung in the same place under either circumstance.

The fact is, the only way to buy hair is to buy a wig or a switch - it doesn't come put up in bottles. And right here I might remark in passing, that the men haven't much on the women who buy their hair in visible chunks and wads, while the men purchase only a "hope" - and it's just as "false" as any rat or switch manufactured.

Of course, there is some good that may come from the use of a hair restorer; it takes some "rubbing" to apply it, and the "rubbing" is all right.

Now let's apply a little ordinary "hoss sense" to this question.

Men have bald heads, women don't. What's the answer?

Man's hair is short and woman's long. It is not found, however, that cutting the hair tends to destroy it, but rather the reverse. It is not, then, that the hair of man is short that his head eventually becomes bald, nor is it as many would like us to believe, because man works his brain unduly. The fact is that we haven't worked our brains enough or we would have solved this problem sooner and saved our hair.

Here is the solution in a nutshell. The fact that woman's hair is long requires considerable combing, and the length and weight of the hair itself means considerable pulling; this tends to agitate the scalp and feed the hair with blood. A man's hair being short needs little attention, and unless he is a married man it seldom gets pulled, and it is not long enough to "pull itself," so the scalp is not agitated and naturally gets thinner until it can't support a good crop of hair.

A bald skull has a thin skin stretched over it like a drum head; the thinness of the scalp is the cause of the loss of the hair; you can rub "ointments" and "hair food" and all manner of dopes and washes on such a scalp and not help a bit, except the good that comes from the rubbing.

The way to get rid of a bald head is to either cut it off, or cover it carefully with glue and paste a wig on it. I know this is not encouraging news to my bald-headed readers, but Fm not getting paid for telling them an untruth, nor because I know I can't raise false hair on their heads, will I raise any false hope in their bosoms.

The following remarks apply chiefly to those who still have their hair and who don't want to get bald headed. The only hope is that you at once start in to giving your scalp vigorous massage treatments and pull it frequently, eliminating every loose hair you can. Don't worry about the hairs you can pull out, new ones will grow in their place, but if you let them fall out of their own accord, your name is "baldy," whether you like it or not.

Get a couple of good stiff hairbrushes and give your head a very strenuous rubbing until the scalp fairly burns and is red with the new blood that is called up by the extra friction. This massage will thicken the scalp and the blood will feed the hair; but you can't feed what "isn't," and a bald head is past the feeding stage, unless there might be some live hair roots that could be coaxed back.

Another thing of importance: women seldom wear hats, and when they do, they are of some light material that is thoroughly ventilated. As a mere man, it has always been a mystery to me how these "flimsy" affairs could cost so much money, but aside from that, their flimsiness is a big point in their favor. Men's hats are, as a rule, stiff and without ventilation, and injurious to the hair, especially so in warm weather.

We do not wear hats so much for protection as because of habit.

A man will wear his hat out in the evening just the same as during the heat of the day. Now there isn't much danger of being sunstruck in the evening; the hat is useless then, if not most of the time. At any rate, if you want to save your hair, wear a light, well-ventilated hat, and that as seldom as possible.

While it is true we seldom see bald-headed women, a good many of them are traveling the right road these days, and if you could see them minus their "bought locks," you'd say I am hitting it pretty close.

A fine head of hair is one of woman's crowning glories - that is, if it is natural. But this thing of putting up a bluff that you have such hair is deliberate falsehood - and, mark it well, every daughter of Eve will pay the penalty for this deception sooner or later. Besides this, it is robbery; it robs the woman who has a fine head of hair, largely the result of care, from her deserved distinction.

These unnatural additions to the natural hair are not conducive to a proper growth, and the more artificial hair is worn, the more it will have to be worn, for the natural hair continues to grow beautifully less and less, because the owner pays more attention to combing her switches. Admitted that the deception will pass muster on us poor bald-headed men, for all that it is deception and leaves its scar in the character, and nature will some day even the score some way or other, take that for granted.

As for hair dyes, hair oils, and such - steer clear of them!

I know of an old woman who has been trying for years to fool people with regard to her age by dyeing her gray hair brown. She hasn't succeeded in really fooling anybody but herself, and has forfeited the right to grow old gracefully. Gray hair is often beautiful, and is always appropriate for old people. The most of us grow gray long before we ought.

I also know a young woman who had nice light-brown hair, but she was not a decided blonde, so she "decided" the matter for herself and dyed her hair. She perhaps did this in a moment of thoughtlessness, for since then she has thought some and "decided" that nature's light-brown hair is far more becoming to her than the manufactured blond variety, and now she is patiently waiting for the new brown hair to push the dyed blond ends out to the jumping-off place. It doesn't cost much to turn your hair to peroxide blond, but it takes a lot of courage to decide to go back to nature's own color and advertise to the world what a ninny you once was, - but even at that it is better than continuing to be a ninny.

I have known bachelors who dyed their moustache a nice shining black, but they usually either did not get clear down to the skin, or else they got some of it on their skin, and the result was not pleasing, and every one knew it was dyed; they simply made an ass of themselves and became a laughing-stock for the community at large.

I have known old working men who dyed their hair, not from vanity, but pure economic necessity. Gray hairs are no recommendation to the "boss," and these men in some way had to disguise their age to get a chance to live. If any tampering with nature is excusable, this perhaps would come nearest to it, but there is a better way. If the workers will get together, they can see to it that a sane industrial order takes the place of the present haphazard lack of method and system, and then gray-headed men will not need to work for a boss - and may wear their gray hairs in honor and self-respect.

In conclusion, keep your scalp clean with frequent washing, and well cultivated with frequent and vigorous brushing and pulling, and open to the wind and the sunshine with frequent outdoor airing - and trust Allah for the rest; for you have done all that mortal man can do to save what hair you have left, and by good behavior you can even hope to cultivate more, but this hope must be before you have neglected it too long.

If you already have a bald head, cultivate resignation, and learn to use a fly swatter gracefully, but don't waste any good money buying hair restorer from a bald-headed druggist.