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A man praising Perry, said it was so excellent a beverage, that in great quantities it always made him fat. "I have seen the time," said another, "when it made you lean." "When?" asked the eulogist. "Last night - against a wall."

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A gentleman who had put aside two bottles of choice ale, discovered, just before dinner, that his servant had emptied them both. "ScoundrelI" exclaimed the master, "what do you mean by this?" "Why, sir, I saw plainly enough by the clouds that it was going to thunder, so I drank it, to prevent its turning sour - there's nothing I abominate, like waste!"

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A toper, being on a visit to a neighboring squire, when a very small glass was set before him after dinner, pulled the servant by the tail of his coat, and expostulated with him. "What is this glass for? Does your master intend to keep me here all night!"

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Beware of such food as persuades a man, though he be not hungry, to eat; and those liquors that prevail with a man to drink them when he is not thirsty.

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At Gibraltar there was a great scarcity of water, and a general complaint of the want of it. An Irish officer said, "He was very easy about the matter, for he had nothing to do with water; if he only got his tea in the morning, and punch at night, it was all that he wanted."

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One of the very best of all earthly possessions is self-possession.

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Why can't the captain of a vessel keep a memorandum of the weight of his anchor, instead of weighing it every time he leaves port.

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A toper was asked what he thought of the effects of strong drink upon the system. "Hot drinks," he replied, "are bad, decidedly bad Tea and coffee, for instance, undoubtedly hurtful; and even hot punch, when very hot, and taken in too large quantities, if that be possible, might ultimately do harm!"

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"You can do any thing if you will only have patience," said an old uncle who had made a fortune, to a nephew who had nearly spent one. "Water may be carried in a sieve, if you can only wait." "How long?" asked the petulant spendthrift, who was impatient for the old man's obituary. His uncle coolly replied, "Till it freezes!"

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Eyes dry for their sins, are vainly wet for their sufferings; a drought in the spring is not to be repaired by a deluge in the autumn.

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A farmer's wife lately entered a druggist's shop, and handed him two prescriptions to be prepared, one for her husband and the other for her cow. Finding, however, that she had not sufficient cash to pay for both, she took away that for the cow, saying, "To-morrow will do for my husband."

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There is a story extant of a young wag who was invited to dine with a gentleman of rather sudden temper. The dining-room was on the second floor, and the principal dish was a fine roast fowl. When the old gentleman undertook to carve it, he found the knife rather dull, and, in a sudden passion, flung it down stairs after the servant. Whereupon the young man seized the fowl, and with admirable dexterity, hurried it after the knife. "What on earth do you mean?" exclaimed the old gentleman. "I beg your pardon!" was the cool reply, "I thought you were going to dine down stairs."

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Paddy, one day, being sent to count some pigs (the number being twenty), was asked by his master whether they were all right. He said, "Faith, and I counted nineteen, but one little beggar ran about so fast, I could not count him at all."

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In attempting to carve a fowl, one day, a Western settler found considerable difficulty in separating its joints, and exclaimed against the man who had sold him an old hen for a chicken. "My dear," said the enraged man's wife, "don't talk so much against the aged and respectable Mr. B.; he sowed the first patch of corn that was planted in our settlement." "I know that," was the reply, "and 1 believe this old hen scratched it up!"

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Customer. - "I wish to purchase some eggs to make a sponge cake; they must be very fresh."

Shopkeeper. - "Ah, yes! I have some that can't be beaten."

Customer. - " Can't be beaten!"

Shopkeeper. - "No, ma'am, I defy any one to beat them."

Customer. - "Then they won't do for me; how can eggs be made into a sponge cake, unless they can be beaten?"

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A Person complaining of the smallness of some chops brought to table, an incorrigible wag observed that "Probably the sheep was fed upon short commons!"

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We ask advice, but we mean approbation.

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A worthy old farmer, residing in the vicinity of Mahopeck, was worried to death by unruly boarders. They found fault with his table, and said he had nothing fit to eat. "Hang it," said old Isaac, "what a fuss you're making, I can eat any thing." "Can you eat a crow, now?" said one of the boarders. "Yes, I ken eat a crow." "Bet you a hat," said the guest. The bet was made, the crow shot, and roasted; but, before serving it up they mischievously contrived to sprinkle it well with Scotch snuff'. Isaac sat down to the crow. He took a good bite and began to chew away, but he made an awful face; however, he persevered, and succeeded, and when he had finished, he said, with singular grimace. "You see I ken eat a crow, but I confess I shouldn't be inclined to hanker arter it!"

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It was remarked by an eminent barrister, that learning in ladies should be as onions properly are in cookery - you should perceive the flavor, but not the thing itself.

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A servant being sent to match a china plate, returned with one of a very different pattern. After scolding for some time, the mistress said, "Stupid, do you not see that the two are entirely different?" "No mum," was the reply; "only one of 'em is different."

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Be not affronted at a jest; if one throw salt at thee, thou wilt take no harm, unless thou hast sore places.

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